Tuesday, January 18, 2005
As of Late
Thank you to everyone who offered up some support to me over the weekend. Rather than writing back to all of the different emails, I figured that I would just do a post. Isn’t that totally bullshit? But I know you’ll understand. You ALWAYS understand. Cuz you can’t talk back.
Last week, I got some horrible news. At first I was very shaken up and it was one of those moments when your life stops dead in its tracks and you think “How can I fix this? How am I EVER going to make this better?” Everything kind of went into slo-mo for about 15 minutes and after a quiet cigarette to myself, I was able to put my life back into perspective and come up with a game plan. Life is impossible without a game plan, dontcha think?
The hardest part about what went down was that I felt (and still feel) as though I can’t talk to anyone about it. It’s more of a trust issue than anything else. Initially, I got a very bad response from some of my close friends and that just amplified the problem tenfold. That’s always the worst. When you have something terrible happen in your life, it’s the people you trust and need that have the capability of making it all better. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen and it just seems to get uglier with every passing day.
Ever since I got back from Europe, I’ve felt extremely lonely and as though I need to start over in many facets of my life. Too many people lean on me for one thing or another and it’s become increasingly exhausting. In fact, this kind of hand-holding has sapped me of my energy and with the hand-holding not being reciprocated when I need it, it’s just overwhelmingly sad and frustrating. Hence, a need for a major change.
After taking the weekend to do things that were out of my character, I feel a bit better. I fear change and in many ways, I run away from it, but when everything is looking bleak, sometimes change is the only answer that really works. For a long time I’ve been letting certain things hold me back from what I really want to do in this city. It will take me awhile before my feet have landed on solid ground, but until then, it just feels good to be working towards a necessary goal.
My friend, Angie, has been giving me some excellent advice and has been checking up on me every day with supportive things for me to hear and do. I’m ever so grateful to her for not only understanding my need for space, but for encouraging it and nurturing it every step of the way. Having been through similar circumstances as myself, Angie knows just what to do and say once the ball gets dropped. When all the world feels like a desolate place to live, it is refreshing to have that hand to hold.
Luckily I have a very busy week ahead of me. I find that when I’m busy, I’m not thinking about my personal shit as much. It’s hard to get out of bed in the morning, but once I do it, I feel like I can conquer the day.
I hope that this post will in some way make up for my lack of personal emails. My job is a hectic nightmare this week, so it will just have to do.
Keep on keepin on!
Thank you to everyone who offered up some support to me over the weekend. Rather than writing back to all of the different emails, I figured that I would just do a post. Isn’t that totally bullshit? But I know you’ll understand. You ALWAYS understand. Cuz you can’t talk back.
Last week, I got some horrible news. At first I was very shaken up and it was one of those moments when your life stops dead in its tracks and you think “How can I fix this? How am I EVER going to make this better?” Everything kind of went into slo-mo for about 15 minutes and after a quiet cigarette to myself, I was able to put my life back into perspective and come up with a game plan. Life is impossible without a game plan, dontcha think?
The hardest part about what went down was that I felt (and still feel) as though I can’t talk to anyone about it. It’s more of a trust issue than anything else. Initially, I got a very bad response from some of my close friends and that just amplified the problem tenfold. That’s always the worst. When you have something terrible happen in your life, it’s the people you trust and need that have the capability of making it all better. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen and it just seems to get uglier with every passing day.
Ever since I got back from Europe, I’ve felt extremely lonely and as though I need to start over in many facets of my life. Too many people lean on me for one thing or another and it’s become increasingly exhausting. In fact, this kind of hand-holding has sapped me of my energy and with the hand-holding not being reciprocated when I need it, it’s just overwhelmingly sad and frustrating. Hence, a need for a major change.
After taking the weekend to do things that were out of my character, I feel a bit better. I fear change and in many ways, I run away from it, but when everything is looking bleak, sometimes change is the only answer that really works. For a long time I’ve been letting certain things hold me back from what I really want to do in this city. It will take me awhile before my feet have landed on solid ground, but until then, it just feels good to be working towards a necessary goal.
My friend, Angie, has been giving me some excellent advice and has been checking up on me every day with supportive things for me to hear and do. I’m ever so grateful to her for not only understanding my need for space, but for encouraging it and nurturing it every step of the way. Having been through similar circumstances as myself, Angie knows just what to do and say once the ball gets dropped. When all the world feels like a desolate place to live, it is refreshing to have that hand to hold.
Luckily I have a very busy week ahead of me. I find that when I’m busy, I’m not thinking about my personal shit as much. It’s hard to get out of bed in the morning, but once I do it, I feel like I can conquer the day.
I hope that this post will in some way make up for my lack of personal emails. My job is a hectic nightmare this week, so it will just have to do.
Keep on keepin on!
